I don’t know how my story may sound to anyone, but I’m at the point where I feel like giving up. Every day, I wake up and go about my normal routine. I talk, I laugh, I do everything expected of me, but deep down, I feel empty. It’s like I’m here, but at the same time, I’m not.
Nobody knows what I’m going through. Not my parents, not my friends. I don’t even know if I want them to know because I doubt they will understand. To them, I’m just fine. I’m living, I’m breathing, so everything should be okay, right? But it’s not. It hasn’t been for a long time.
I have mastered the art of saying “I’m fine.” It’s the easiest way to avoid long conversations, to stop people from asking questions I don’t want to answer. It’s become second nature. Even when I feel like breaking down, I still manage to smile and say, “I’m good.” But in reality, I feel like a walking corpse, alive on the outside but dead inside.
I don’t even know when I became like this. It wasn’t always like this. There was a time I had dreams. A time I looked forward to the future. But now, every day feels the same. Nothing excites me anymore. Nothing makes me feel alive. I just exist, moving from one day to the next without any real purpose.
One of the hardest things to explain is how lonely I feel. I have people around me, but it doesn’t change anything. I can be in a room full of people and still feel like I’m all alone. Everyone is talking, laughing, living their lives, and I’m just there, feeling like I don’t belong.
I have friends, but do they really know me? Do they really care? Or are we just used to each other’s presence? I don’t even know anymore. I have family, but there are things I can’t tell them. Not because they don’t love me, but because I know they won’t understand. They’ll probably tell me to pray about it, to be strong, to stop overthinking. But it’s not that simple. If it were, I would have figured it out by now.
There’s this pressure to succeed, to be something, to make something out of my life. People have expectations, and I don’t want to disappoint them. But what happens when I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore? What happens when I feel like no matter how hard I try, I’m still stuck in the same place?
I look at other people and see how their lives seem to be moving forward. They are getting jobs, building careers, doing great things. And then I look at myself, and all I see is someone struggling to even get by. It’s frustrating. It’s painful. It makes me feel like a failure.
There are days when I just feel tired. Not the kind of tired that sleep can fix, but the kind that sits deep in my soul. The kind that makes me not want to get out of bed. The kind that makes me question why I even bother.
I won’t lie, sometimes, I think about just disappearing. Not necessarily dying, but just not existing for a while. Just a break from everything, from everyone, from life itself. But no matter how much I think about it, I know I can’t do it. I know I have to keep going, even when I don’t feel like it.
I don’t know when things will get better, or if they ever will. But one thing I know is that I’m not giving up. Not today. Not tomorrow. No matter how hard it gets, I will keep pushing. Because somewhere deep inside me, even if it’s just a small part, I still have hope. Hope that one day, things will change.
I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know how to fix everything that’s broken inside me. But for now, I’ll take it one day at a time. I’ll keep moving, even when my legs feel too weak to walk. Because maybe, just maybe, if I hold on long enough, I’ll find my way out of this darkness.
Comments
Post a Comment